Imagine recognizing harmful communication patterns before they cause irreversible damage to a relationship. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen metaphor outlines four destructive behaviours that, if left unaddressed, can predict relationship breakdown. These "horsemen" are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

As a Registered Psychotherapist, Heather Howse, M.A., R.P., has spent nearly 25 years helping couples and families understand and transform these patterns. By addressing the Four Horsemen, relationships can shift from conflict and distance to connection and healing.

The First Horseman: Criticism

The first step toward healthier communication is recognizing how we express dissatisfaction. Unlike a constructive complaint, criticism focuses on attacking someone’s character instead of addressing a specific behaviour. This pattern often leads to feelings of rejection or blame.

- Complaint: “I was frustrated by the mess I found in the kitchen when I got home. I thought the agreement was to clean up first so we have a clean kitchen to cook in?”

- Criticism: “You never think about me when you leave messes everywhere. You are so selfish. I’m sick of it” 

The Second Horseman: Contempt

If criticism isn’t addressed, it often escalates to contempt—the most destructive of the Four Horsemen. Contempt is marked by sarcasm, mockery, and an attitude of superiority. Gottman research has shown that this behaviour is the strongest predictor of divorce.

- Example: "You are worthless, and will never amount to anything."

Prolonged contempt damages relationships and affects physical health by weakening the immune system. Heather’s evidence-based approach helps couples resolve underlying issues, fostering renewed respect and empathy.

The Third Horseman: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is often a reaction to perceived criticism. It involves shifting blame, avoiding accountability, or adopting a "victim mentality." While it may feel like self-protection, defensiveness can escalate conflicts and block meaningful resolution.

- Question: "Did you remember to book the hotel for our weekend away?"

- Defensive Response: "Why do I always have to plan everything? I have so many other things to think about".

- Restorative Response: "Oh shoot, no I was so busy, I completely forgot to book it. Would you mind helping me with that?"

The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

When conflict feels overwhelming, some people respond by shutting down entirely. This is stonewalling, and it often arises when emotions reach a breaking point. While stonewalling may seem like avoidance, it signals emotional overwhelm and can create further distance in relationships.

- Example: "I am tired and need time to think. Can we revisit this in a few days, please?"

Your partner in change

Heather Howse believes in the transformative power of compassion and evidence-based care. Whether navigating challenges in marriage, parenting, or other relationships, her approach helps you break down barriers to joy and build stronger, healthier connections.

Ready to start your journey? Heather offers a FREE 30-minute initial consultation.

Book your session today: omwc@omwc.ca or 905-842-0287.